I'm very drunk, feel like puking. Got dejavu writing this. good movie. I went to.... craig called, very upsetting, got high to, bongrip firstime. sorry. idk very woo, want to be sick, want to be feel sick something, want to.... no smoking, smoker, don't want to be but i am. yeah . couldn't driver how she do it? couldn't.. . .shopping tomorrow, place, company of win. ouch. Miley was here, good dog, got outtoday. Went out. gazelles are mad at..me. didn' do it wasn't there. fukt. why? spell right, good grammer, y so hard. doeno. want to be happy sad don't get it. apartment needed. mom happy maybe. want mosser. sssssssssssssssssss


shoser soonssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssorry.

Today has been a bad day, gender wise. I don't want to be male or transition to male, but I wish that I had been born male. I hate my genitalia.. today. Usually I don't even think about it.

It's disgusting. :/






(and yet it feels so damn good.)

I joined the bbwporn community a month or so ago. Not because I'm into porn, much less fat chick porn, but I love having fat chicks post their naked bodies and have people tell them that they look great and have them get the same reaction usually only reserved for skinnier chicks. Every so often if I think a girl is pretty, I'll let her know, "hey, I think you're beautiful." Anywho, I posted such a comment tonight, and it provided me with the break that I desperately needed.

One of the members followed me from the comm to yahoo messenger, and I got to tell him about me being asexual.

( The Convo )

Aand, he's gone. I really need to plan this out so the next time it happens I can completely fuck with the person (ya know, mentally and stuff).

It just brightened my whole evening. And yay! Fireworks tomorrow! God, I love Independence Day. It's my favoritest holiday XD

I don't think percocet it very good for me. It doesn't help the pain. It just makes me not care that I have it. And it makes my head funky. And it makes me giggle in a short manner at everything. Heh.

My little wounds are itching now. They're funny looking. My belly button is one big tapey cut. I like looking in it.

My bank says I wrote a check for $250 that I never wrote. The money is not in my account. Where is it?

I put two different color polished on my fingernails. I forget why.

Mom's making me a quilt. It's very cute. They use something called a bunny. I don't know why. It doesn't even look like a bunny.

These walls are so damn white.

I think it's funny, but now in a humorous way, that there are some people who are so deeply suicidal that they can't bear to go on living, while other people are so afraid of death that they'll do just about anything to live as long as possible.

( A couple of pictures. )

The surgery went great! I'll write more later. I can't believe how good I feel! Oh man, what a difference. XD My voice is dead though. Weird :/

Craig, if you stuck around to read this, is there a way to get a hold of you?

Or alternatively, are you even alive? I'm worried about you.

So in addition to everything else, it appears that I picked up poison oak somewhere.

I recieved three gnarly bruises from yesterday's little visit. Life is good.

So around the time I made the voice post over in gunblade_girl my lower back started to ache. I figured it was just normal pain and it would go away. So I was using the Internet to amuse myself, but the pain just kept getting worse. I started to cry at some point, and then figured that was bullshit. So I took some Vicodin and Motrin, but that didn't help at all, as per usual. So Sharon called the ER to see what they thought, and they told me to come in just in case. (Craig, that was the point where I initially said goodbye). So Sharon and I got all ready to go, but as we were walking out the door it became really important for me to tell Craig I was fine, even though I realize he couldn't give a shit less. (So yeah, Craig, that was the second message. Sorry about that).

That being done, we left here and got to he hospital at around 1:30 (I'm guessing). They set me up on an IV drip thingy and gave me pain meds and Phenergen (sp) for my nausea (Which didn't help. I told them it didn't help. And when I went home, that's what they prescribed anyway. Fuck it). They took even more blood, only to find out that my blood is low, and that I was anemic. I told the doctor I was menstruating, and he came back with, "That's true, but your blood was low the last time you came in as well." Why the hell does no one tell me these things??

And I got to have another ultrasound, which is always a pleasure. The cyst is leaking more fluid into my body at a faster rate than before, which is causing the pain. As with last time, they were going to remove it, but the Gynecologist was unavailable. So, naturally, I got sent back home at 9:00am and I've just now been able to sit up, talk, and do just about anything besides lying there (at 6:00pm).

But life is good. My mom is here for me to keep me company and cater to my every whim, and my sister is here to make fun of me and share good times.

ETA: I think that Bryan is borderline suicidal, and definitely depressed off the deep end. I guess I should call him. Fuck, I'll do it Thursday.

I feel like I'm going to die.

I slept for almost twenty hours. Way too catch up, huh? Problem is that I started my period last night, so I just set myself up with a pad and then passed out. I woke up today and just kinda laid there for a while, all happy panda style, and then remembered that hey, it's been like 20 hours on the same pad. So I pull an 'oh shit' moment and jump out of bed. Sure enough, blood is everywhere. And me, being oh-so-fucking-talented, I managed to almost completely miss the pad, which means I may as well have not had it in at all. And for whatever reason, the blood is goopy (with chunks, for her pleasure!) this time and hella slimy.

At least I'm well rested :D

( Anywho. )

Diet pepsi is tasting a lot like Mucomyst, and not I can taste it in my mouth and it's not a glorious taste at all.

* I'm really fucking tired of everyone thinking I'm smart/bright/intelligent. No, I'm not stupid, and I realize that, but everyone is always on me about how I should do x because I'm just so smart, or I get, "You're too bright to get stuck in that dead end job." Maybe I like my dead end job, ever think of that? I'll probably post more on that later. It's just a pet peeve of mine.

I know I'm whining a lot here. But I figure that's why I made ths journal, so I really don't feel too bad about it, except I do.

( That being said, more whining. )